Tuesday, August 18, 2009

We just spent 30 million for product placement in films. Hope it works!

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I hope it pays off because 30 million was our budget to do everything.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

The Gutenberg Lampoon guide to the shameless prostitution of your body

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Rent is due, and your wallet only contains that ribbed condom you bought from a truck station. You need a quick way to make cash.

Your brain is programmed to be self-conscious about your decisions. It's nature's way of protecting your dignity.

Fuck that.

It's time to get dirty.

Presenting The Gutenberg Lampoon guide to the shameless prostitution of your body.

This company is built on prostitution. When we needed cash, we made some irresponsible decisions that led to herpes and sore anuses.

Oh, you're already queasy? Weak. Without prostitution, you'll end up dead on the carving table of French cannibals.

So take some notes, bitches.

1) Don't waste time on servicing clients individually.

You're probably going to be fucking every minute to build up cash. (Full disclosure, I'm having sex as I write this post.) You need to be economical. Screw several people at once.

2) Hire a pimp.

Lesbians make great pimps, and will beat you less than your stereotypical fur coat asshole.

3) Never fall in love with your clients.

Jane, I miss the teeth marks on my nipples. (I love you.)

4) Once a week, Richard Gere will try to save you from the world of prostitution.

Let him because it's sweet. The only bad thing is he'll probably cry himself to sleep while talking about Chicago.

5) When clients show up with an animal, don't assume it's for sex

Made that mistake once. The feathers in my asshole were not worth losing the client.

6) Dustin Diamond makes a bad client

He will do unsavory things with an Astroglide eggplant, and then not pay you.


7) Never start a blog with your money.

It's just a bad idea..

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Legend of Zombie Cary Grant #zombiecarygrant

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The other day, Mack was telling us about the legend of Zombie Cary Grant. I hadn't heard much about it. Turns out, a few weeks after Cary Grant died his zombie body came back to roam the night in search of susceptible women and good martinis. The stories vary from storyteller to storyteller, from region to region, but the gist is that Zombie Cary Grant is an epic bad ass.



This is why we will start the #zombiecarygrant hashtag to chronicle the legend that is Zombie Cary Grant, and you can help too. Just add the hashtag to legendary tweets about him.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The One About the Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

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Dear Donna,

On behalf of the entire male staff, I am being forced to apologize for some questionable behavior last night. Our law department has informed me that this is called sexual harassment. That sounds like a big word for 'bound to happen.' A lawyer, Harold, is standing beside me to ensure that this letter doesn't cross the line as well. Although, if it were up to me, I'd type "Hey, baby, one of your body parts should be doing a certain action with one of my body parts and a big, purple [REDACTED.]

Best apologies to our only female employee (cause we don't count the fat ones like Diana. not-as-figure-privileged ones like [REDACTED.])

- Signed the entire Gutenberg Lampoon male staff and that midget that showed up around 3 in the morning.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Demon Warriors Hurling Feces of Doom

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Yeah, it's been a rough week at Gutenberg Lampoon. Turns out our office was built on the burial ground of some really pissed off demons. That's only the start of our problems.

When we signed the lease for this office, we thought we were getting a great deal at 200 sq. ft. for $100 a month. I mean, then there are demons and something about a law that only pertains to this building. That's right, the cops showed up yesterday. They told us it's illegal to run a liberal comedy blog in this building. So they drew a line in the sand; they said we'd have to chose one of the 3 Bs: blowjobs, bribes, or beat it.

And since we're broke, we have Dave the intern to thank for saving the business. It's okay, Dave. I hear it washes out of your eyebrows.

So as we work past the kinks, we're heading swiftly towards our launch. (We found 13 naked pictures of us online, and I think we can finally get back to writing and coding.)

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Congrats to the Web Development Team: Our Website Is Up!

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Well, they've done it. The Gutenberg Lampoon Web Development Coalition of Developers and Designers has created a wonderful website at http://gutenberglampoon.com It's a feat of creativity and functionality. Everything looks so elegant!

Wait...

Now, that I'm actually looking at the site. No, this can't be right. There appears to be a message about how they're still developing the site...

Those motherfu--

Look, we're committed to delivering quality content to you, and that includes a functional website. We're working diligently to correct all problems like firing the right people from The Gutenberg Lampoon Web Development Coalition of Developers and Designers.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Gutenberg Lampoon Seeking Bailout

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We need cash, y'all. If you have some cash, The Gutenberg Lampoon needs you..r cash. We can do this several ways. You can write a check, send funds via Paypal, or you can even put tons of bills in some sort of machine that blows them all around while we try to grab what we can. Either way, it'll be appreciated.

We won't honor you on our site, nor will we attempt to give you back the money. In fact we will probably ask for more money in a month.

This may sound awful, but the Gutenberg Lampoon's survival is crucial to fixing the economy. (Okay...even that kind of made me not want to give this greedy company money.)

The Gutenberg Lampoon promises to use your money to pay off the loan shark that gave us our company's seed money. And once Enrique has his money and sends back the employees he took hostage, we will return to working on our website.

(If you need a little *wink* Dave the intern will blow you for 5 dollars.)